A few things I've learned in the last 6 weeks.

1. There is always one kid that's naked. Normally they have a diaper on but that is no longer a given.
2. Someone is always crying- and it's not necessarily a child.
3. Going to the bathroom is a privilege, and one that I only get about once a day.
4. I always sleep with someone- but it's rarely Jake.
5. It's no longer a given that wet spots on pillows are drool.
6. The utility closet is actually a sanctuary.
7. Most things can be one handed. And it turns out the things that can't aren't that necessary.
8. Brushing your hair and teeth are actually high class spa treatments, I just didn't know it before.
9. You can actually be so tired that you can be nursing a child, holding another on your lap while the third is climbing on your back and you can still be confused about where all your kids are.
10. Having a kids face covered in food just means that's one less snack you need to prepare later.

one covered in food, one crying, one naked. case and point.

The difference a year makes.

Sometimes you just have to let them eat doritos right from the bag.

Surgeons and Fajitas

For the past few weeks I have been wanting to blog because it helps me relax but everytime I sit down to write something, it's stupid. I'm not kidding- I have written 4 completely idiotic blog posts. So I haven't posted them and it turns out that mindless babbling doesn't really cleanse the mind so much.

But this time I am powering through! I will post this regardless of how insane I sound.

Update!

Natalie

-hardest baby ever. well probably not ever, but man oh man. She cries pretty much all the time, unless I am holding her which at first sounds like a pretty good ego stroke but in reality is just hard. But she still is adorable, even while she's screaming.

- she has a seriously bad umbilical hernia- it's about 5 cm or 2 inches- and I have wondered if maybe that is why she is so fussy so at her one month appointment I asked the doctor and it is so bad that we have to go meet with a pediatric surgeon. My doctor said that they probably won't have to operate but it's a better safe than sorry situation. Apparently, it'll be a laproscopic (I don't know how to spell that) procedure and it won't even leave a scar if she needs it. But we are hoping it won't even matter and that the surgeon will be able to give us tips on how to make her more comfortable sans surgery.

Shout out to my SIL Molly- this blanket makes me think of you- not sure why but every time we use it I talk to her about you.

 Adam

- still huge. and adorable

- he has started nursery and does really well (we are really lucky that the nursery leaders, bishop, and primary president don't mind that he is way too young to be in there)

- his legs are still pretty bowed and he has a meeting with a pediatric orthopedic surgeon (we haven't set the date yet) and we might get braces for his legs but we don't know yet. We thought that they would've corrected more by now but in reality they are getting worse. It's probably because he's huge so his legs just can't withstand the pressure haha.

Mikey

- obsessed with Power Rangers. We bought him a foam sword which now resides on the top shelf of our closet because he kept hitting everyone that he decided was a 'bad guy'. Awesome

- We are learning all kinds of new tricks with him, the most recent being unloading the dishwasher (well the utensils and plastic plates anyways) and sorting his laundry by colors- very exciting haha

Oh the next exciting thing about Mikey is that tonight he made dinner! Well kinda. We had fajitas and he cut the mushrooms and stirred the chicken and vegetables and seasoned them. We didn't have fajita seasoning so he picked how much of the random seasonings I thought sounded good went in and they were a little heavy on the cayenne pepper but that's cool. Then he heated up the tortillas on the stove top and helped Jake set the table. Granted all of these things were pretty dependent on me being right there making sure nothing got cut or burnt but we are still very proud. Here are some pictures.

Mikey mostly just ate the chicken with a few bites of red peppers and cheese.

Adam liked them so much he couldn't even keep his eyes open

Natalie was not that excited about the food but that's what happens when I'm not holding her. She screams. But what good lookin' people my husband and daughter are! 

Ta-Da! Mikey's dinner! Yay for Mikey!

Well and last but not least, me and Jake, doing great. Well as great as we can be with sleep deprivation, tired arms, and hurtin' ear drums but over all, life is grand. Well better go get Natalie- she's been crying pretty good this whole time.

Thanks for reading!

I've had three kids for a week... and I am still alive, and so are they. Mom points.

Natalie Paige Kapilialoha Logan

January 21, 2014

3:05p

7lbs 14oz

20 inches

First here are picture of all three of my little sweethearts right after they were born. When Mikey was born, Jake took a picture of him on the scale and I loved it. It is potentially one of my favorite newborn pictures of him. So when I was pregnant with Adam I constantly told Jake how important it was to me to get one of Adam on the scale and voila, we have started a tradition. Apparently, I talk about it so much that even my doctor mentioned it to Jake haha. They had taken Natalie off the scale and Dr Sells was like Oh wait, Jake did you get your picture? Isn't that nice of her? And potentially embarrassing for me?

Mikey!

Adam!

Natalie!

You can't really tell but Natalie's hair is black- both of the boys had dark hair right when they were born, cause it's all nasty and dirty but even after her bath, Natalie's stayed black. Like Jake's. I am pretty excited about it because I have always wanted black hair and brown eyes- I can live vicariously through my daughter!

Well how about a quick telling of the day? I got called on Monday saying that my induction was scheduled for 6:15a. I was excited but 6:15 is so early, especially when it takes 40 minutes to get to the hospital but oh well! We got there late... at about 6:30, 6:45 ish and after we got all checked in, they started me on that terrible medicine pitocin at 7:45 ish. I was so scared that it wasn't going to work that I didn't let Jake tell anyone the date. Last time when I had to come home from the hospital still pregnant I was absolutely devastated- I know that sounds stupid but it was so hard for me and I hated having to tell people that it didn't work and I was not going to do that again. So my dad and stepmom knew but only because they were staying at our house watching our boys. Otherwise, I wouldn't have told them. I did try to distract myself from that possibility and we guessed when she would be born. Jake said 8:30 but I don't know if he meant morning or night and he thought she would be 8lbs. I guessed 3p and didn't even attempt a weight guess. So I got the time and Jake was seriously close to the weight.

Anyways, I was a few cm along and like 40% effaced which is crappy but it was okay. My doc said it was going to work. So, by 11:30 when I was still only 2 cm and 50% effaced (but the nurse said she was being generous) I cried. It wasn't working again. They called Dr Sells and she came and broke my water, which I am not going to lie, was not a pleasant experience but it meant we were getting our baby! That was at noon and we texted our families to let them know what was going on. I got my epidural after some debate on whether or not I should, and honestly, so glad I did. Our insurance doesn't cover it but Jake told me that I shouldn't be worrying about the money which I was able to do a lot better once the pain medicine started. I got the same guy that did the epidural with Adam, only this time he gave me the booster shot way earlier so I got to take a nap! Wahoo! I woke up around 2:15 because something felt weird. I laid there for 30 minutes before I had Jake call the nurse. She came in, checked me and I was ready to go.

Dr Sells, Dr Clark, and Melanie (my nurse) all got there and had me start pushing at 2:59p (to be exact haha) Dr Clark explained to me that she was at zero position so I would probably have to push longer than I would like. I pushed once and she was like oh never mind. And 6 minutes later, she was born! I was pretty excited because they let me cut the cord. They asked Jake and he was like absolutely not so they let me!

So far, we have had a great recovery. A little sore and some serious nursing contractions but all in all, it's been pretty easy. We are all pretty tired but baby girl seems to be thriving and her older brothers are thrilled to have her here, and her mom is also thrilled to not be pregnant, and if I had to guess, I'd say her dad is pretty excited to not be married to a pregnant woman haha

Enjoy some pictures that I took. Some are probably repeats from facebook but babies are so fun and cute, no one cares about repeats, right?

Natalie with Grandpa! I think that she is the only grandkid Dad has got to meet in the hospital.

Grandpa showing her off to the boys. With Mikey it was like love at first sight, Adam didn't so much care but he is starting to develop a little curiosity.

Mikey kissing her. He insisted on holding her whenever he could and he still does actually.

Family Picture! I look a lot more tired here than I remember feeling.

The next day, Dad and Michele brought the boys back to the hospital and when he took her Mikey got pretty upset. Apparently, if I am not holding her, Mikey is supposed to be.

Jake has baby magic. He had it with the boys too but seriously, it's getting stronger. I'll be holding her and she will be freaking out, Jake takes her, even when he is half asleep and she just calms right down in a matter of seconds. Amazing. In case you didn't know, I married a seriously awesome guy and he is fantastic dad to our three little cuties.

Natalie sleeping! Our tender mercy: we can wrap her up, lay her down and she will fall asleep on her own. The boys would have never done that I am beyond grateful. I don't know how I could take care of all the babies if I had to hold her all the time. I do love holding her though. She is all cute and cuddly. (not as cuddly as Adam but still it's nice)

Okay here is the last thing I wanted to show. A few months ago, a woman in my ward (whose name I can't remember, my bad) told our RS president that she had a baby rocking chair that they didn't need anymore and Shellbi gave it to us! I was pretty excited because we had given away our old baby chair because our boys really didn't care for it and I didn't want it taking up space. So she dropped off the chair and I'm not going to lie, I didn't like it. I could see why it would be cute to some people but it just wasn't my cup of tea. So I redid it! And here are before and after pictures. I am proud of it.

Before

After! I used some really cute fabric that I fell in love with when we visited my dad and stepmom last May and so she gave it to me (as well as making Natalie a baby blanket with the left over she didn't give me) and I spray painted it white with some special baby safe spray paint! (who knew there was such a thing) I think it looks so much better! (which may be conceited haha)

Thanks for reading! 

I never know what to title my posts...

Well folks, it's January 13. My due date is January 27. Wanna know something strange? I am terrified. Not for labor. At the risk of sounding obnoxious, I am pretty good at that part. (as long as nothing goes wrong) But truly, I am so scared to have three kids. The majority of people I talk to say that three is the breaking point. (obviously not truly breaking because people have more kids but still) I don't want to break. I'm not going to lie. I am pretty lucky though because even though my family doesn't live near, Jake has some siblings that are willing to help out, my dad and stepmom are coming to visit soon and Jake's mom is coming probably next month so we'll do all right. But still scary. Words of encouragement and "three is great" would be appreciated.

So instead of focusing on that silly scary stuff I am going to do an update.

Jake- this week there is an Angular Conference in SLC that he gets to go to because work bought him tickets. When he first mentioned it, I said "maybe we could buy you tickets if work won't do it" He was pretty excited, looked it up- and yeah, they were like upwards of $800. That was not going to happen. I love when he tells people that he is going to an Angular Conference because everyone goes, Oh what's that and he says it's a Web front end frame work. (it's possible those words aren't in the right order.. stuff happens) And the confused looks keep on coming, so he says It'll help build websites. I don't understand why he doesn't just start with that. Silly dude. He is really hoping the baby doesn't come before the conference because he has been looking forward to this for three months or so. I am hoping it doesn't too, but just for him. For me, she could come right now.

Me- Just slowly checking things off my list before Baby Girl is born and trying desperately to keep up with my two little kiddos. I just got called as Visiting Teaching supervisor so wish me luck. I am not terribly social and I hate using the phone-- when I know where it is-- so here is to stretching and getting out of my comfort zone. My knee is still causing me problems but I am hoping that after the baby comes and with the medicine they put me on, it'll start to feel better. At church people keep asking me what's wrong and I didn't realize my limp was that bad. Jake says I look like a pirate with a peg leg. I married a good man haha.

Mikey- He is doing great. Growing and such. 27 pounds and 36 inches tall. I am not sure where he keeps it all but that is what the scale reads. Lately, he is obsessed with meat and will eat everything on his plate as long as every other bite consists of meat. He is funny with that because two or three weeks ago, it was pasta and before that it was potatoes. If the cycle continues like it has in the past, in the next week or so he'll be all about fruit.  He is also obsessed with Power Rangers Samurai which is awful. I loved Power Rangers when I was a kid (no shame) and this new PR, which is about 20 years newer probably has worse special effects and acting then Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Sad. But he loves it. He mimics a lot of stuff though so we might have to stop with the fighting because if he kicks my belly one more time, so help me. ;) Also, we hear that he is just the cutest during singing time in nursery- he doesn't attempt to sing but he does the actions. We are proud.

Adam- Adam is still a tank. 25 or 26 pounds and about 29 inches tall. And he walks everywhere. But honestly, he looks too big to walk. It's pretty entertaining. He won't wear socks much to my dismay because his feet are always cold, but I think they get in the way of his walking. Even the ones with grips. Silly. He has started to say a few little things like no, Mama, Dada, and... I think that is it. Dada is always nice and sweet and Mama sounds awful. Like the end of the world hit and the only one who can save it is me, but only with ample encouragement from a screaming one year old.

Baby Girl- coming soon! Excited but scared. You know. Are you ready for the big name reveal? Jake reserves the right to change his mind but honestly, I can't imagine he will. This baby has been so hard for us to pick a name for. It turns out we don't love girl's names. We have gone through about 4 names but they never seemed quite right so a few weeks ago, we found a list online and wrote down every name that neither of us hated. We ended up with 5- Natalie, Paige, Rylee, Skylee, and Isabell. And we could not narrow it down anymore for the next three or four days. My favorite is Paige, Jake's favorite is Natalie. I didn't want Natalie and Jake didn't want Paige. But then our great friend, Michelle Petersen, suggested Natalie Paige. And ta-da! We named our baby. Natalie Paige Kapilialoha Logan. I am surprised Jake agreed to two middle names because he doesn't like that but we both agreed that we like the way it sounds and we like it better than Paige Kapilialoha or Natalie Kapilialoha so we all win! (we also know that more than 4 names just isn't right for us so this will probably be the longest name we have because at the end of the day, neither of us really wanted 4 anyways) But this name seems right.

Well this is a long post and to end it off I have some pictures. On New Years we spent an hour or so on the internet trying to find something fun to do with the boys because it was Jake's last day off work. We found the Tracy Aviary in SLC. We had never heard of it but it was One Dollar Winter Wednesdays so Jake, Shelly, the boys and I bundled up (well Jake doesn't bundle) and we went and walked around for an hour or so.  It was awesome. We saw some eagles, owls, a few tropical birds and best of all Mikey and Adam loved it. We will definitely be going back, when it is warm.

Jake was a big fan of the Bald Eagle.

So was Mikey. He didn't want to look away.

When we took this picture, we thinking of our Grandmas. Shout out to Grandma Jan and especially Grandma Jude because she loves birds. I know there aren't cardinals but still.

Probably our last family picture of 4!

Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it!

Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

We have had a great Christmas over here at the Logan house. We have been so lucky to get to spend time with so much family. My sister Shelly, her friend Paulina, and Jake's little sister Eliza got to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas at our house.. well Shelly is here for longer but the other two were only here for two days. Sadly, we didn't get to do everything I wanted because I am a klutz and slipped on the ice in front of our house and hurt my knee pretty badly (still hurts so bad, getting it checked tomorrow. But really, what are they going to tell me? Oh it looks hurt but since you are 36 weeks pregnant we can't do anything for you. Awesome.)

For starters, on Monday the 23rd we all (being the Logans here in Utah) went to Gideon and Lina's house to have a Christmas dinner. It was quite the feast. We had sushi, salmon parmesan, chicken katsu, and shrimp katsu, chocolate haupia pie and chocolate chip pumpkin cookies. It was delightful. Afterwards we did a little gift exchange amongst the cousins and man oh man, did the babies make out good. 

(Side note, my brother in law, Saili showed us the most hilarious video ever... I can't find the link though. But seriously, so funny. I'll put it on my facebook. Watch it, love it.)

Here are some picture from that night! (sorry to Saili and Eliza, you two didn't make the cut into the pictures.. although neither did I... next time?)

Mikey opened all the presents. I suppose he technically helped but mostly just did it all.

Lina in the official family photo bomber I think. It entertains me.

Malie opening her present from me and Jake. It was a seriously cute outfit if I do say so myself but I seem to have missed the big reveal. Oops.

Adam eating his present from Aunty Abby and Uncle Saili. Seems about right.

Baby Genie with her present from us. The onesie has a really cute little heart on it and such. She'll be adorable.

Malie with her present from Uncle Gid and Aunty Lina. They gave awesome gifts. If they keep this up, they'll probably be the favorites. At least at Christmas and birthdays.

Adam with his Christmas outfit from Jake and I... we got all the cousins coordinating outfits. It'll be awesome.

Genie with her dress from Abby

Mikey trying to open the present from Uncle Gid and Aunty Lina but darn that ribbon, it turned into a knot.

This picture does not adequately express how excited Mikey was about this gift. It is a batcave situation and Adam got little action figures to go in it too. Man, they love it.

Now here are some from Christmas morning! I totally spaced a picture of the stockings and the tree pre presents but that happens. Next year. Luckily this day comes every year.

Mikey and his stocking. Everyone had quite the stockings. Mikey got some batman socks which are pretty awesome, candy, a coloring book, an Avengers ball, and more candy. We went a little crazy.

Adam just didn't know how to handle his stocking. I think he was in awe of all his stuff. (he got the same stuff as Mikey except Mickey Mouse as opposed to Avengers)

This is the toy kitchen Jake and I built- but its actually from Santa! It's probably going to need another paint job some day but still, awesome right? We are planning on getting toy food and different toy dishes but they boys love it so much. Mikey did the whoa face. That's the goal.

The boys enjoying their Santa gift

Santa got the boys a toy wagon for them to ride around in and every time we had Mikey go pick a gift from under the tree he would run to this one and say "This one!" I think he was confused that we didn't let him open it until the end.

My boys in their matching pjs that I made for them

Family picture! I had matching pjs too but we had a miscommunication with the photographer so you don't get to see them. But they look the exact same, except mine are fill length pants unlike Jake's.

Well there ya go! That's the Logan Christmas. We all got spoiled and it was fantastic. I didn't get pictures of Shelly, Paulina, or Eliza but I ended up not taking as many as planned so I didn't miss out too much on the celebrating.

Hope you enjoyed it!

34 Weeks

Yesterday I was 34 weeks pregnant. 6 more weeks until my baby should be kicked out of its current abode and join the land of the Logans. She will have two exhausting older brothers that will love her, if their love for random babies in the grocery store is any indication. She will have two exhausted parents that will love her. She will have bundles of aunts and uncles and cousins. She will have some pretty awesome grandparents that unfortunately won't get to see her terribly often but we work pretty hard to make sure the kids know them regardless.  I am so excited.
Except... I don't have the energy to be excited. I remember being 16 or so and having my random bursts of excitement (if you knew me back then, you would know that they were truly random and few and far between- I was just not that kind of person) and I don't remember it being so exhausting. I have a limited amount of energy and the nightly refill situation that I have had my whole life seems to be a little dysfunctional. (also, did you know you spell dysfunctional with a y? I had no idea- yay for college degrees- it's taking me places)
Today my to do list consists of a few things- deliver presents to my visiting teachees (please, like that is really going to happen); vacuum (but that entails carrying the vacuum down the stairs so that one could go either way); figure out dinner; and take a nap. Wish me luck. I feel good about the chances of dinner but the rest I am just not so sure.

But enough of that. How about an update on my boys?
Jake is great. He finally got a laptop from work which means... drum roll please... he can work from home! We have been having an issue with the fact that I want him to take a week off work when the baby is born but he doesn't want to take that much off because he wants to be able to go on vacation next year- like potentially Hawaii to see his family or to my brothers medical school graduation or even just to Logan for my sister's grad school graduation or Calgary for the Stampede. We are big dreamers. Maybe if we are real lucky, we can do it all. But now he can just take a day or two off if he wants to and then work from home the rest of the time! Fantastic! I am so happy.  Jake is also currently trying to nurture some handy man habits. We are buying tools and just giving things a shot. For example, we are building a toy kitchen for the boys for Christmas. (we are going to say it's from Santa in case it sucks. haha) When my brother was here a few weeks ago, they built some shelves. It's exciting. It was a hard thing for me to marry a guy that didn't do all those Mr Fix-it things that seem to be so par for the course in my family.

Mikey. Well Mikey still doesn't really talk but he is getting so much better. He has expanded his vocabulary to include important words such as Iron Man, Batman, Spiderman, Avengers (kind of), Hulk, Thor, Thor's hammer, Wolverine, Arrow... are we seeing a theme? We love the superheroes over here. Mikey can spot the batman sign from a mile away. Today he found a little piece of a wrapper from some Iron Man fruit snacks- it was just red and he brings to me and is like Mama, look, Iron Man. Holy. How does he do that?  We are also in the delightful stage of not really needing a nap but not quite able to go without. It's a tricky situation but we are trying our best to figure it out. And he is a serious wrestler. Him and Adam wrestle daily, except the other day Adam pinched Mikey's belly button and then sat on him so I think Mikey is starting to rethink the whole practice.

Adam is still huge. Such a chunk-a-lunk. He is almost 1! Just two more weeks. We are going to have our party for him and I am excited to try my hand at the decorating and all that jazz. Jake is being a great sport and pretends to be excited even though I know he doesn't care at all. I think he is upset that we can't do it outdoors. Adam is also walking now which is excellent. He isn't the greatest at it because he has a funky ankle but he sure is enjoying trying. He took his first steps last week Saturday. He still crawls most of the time but he can definitely walk. The best part is he can stand up all by himself. He doesn't need any support so that has definitely helped with the walking I think. He still eats it all and loves it and I find myself being constantly grateful that I don't have to fight my kids when it comes to meals.

Well that's that. Pray for me and my pregnancy. I am so close and yet, it feels so far away.

Thanks for reading. If you made it to the end. It's possible I am getting long winded. ;)

Pictures will happen next blog. I promise. My hard drive is upstairs so, you know, no pictures.

Having it all... Just not by the typical definition.

(I know, I know. I said the next post would be about my house but this is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately and since this is essentially my journal, I am posting about it)

I spend a fair amount of time reading blog posts and articles about being a mom and a wife and how women need to have it all, etc. etc. I don't typically agree with the articles because if you know me at all, I am determined (probably to a fault) to figure things out on my own. I hate asking for help. I don't want to take advice from anyone. I don't want to accept help from anyone. I ask Jake and my dad. That's it. I love a lot of other people but at the end of the day, I don't want their help. I am stubborn and I am going to figure it out on my own. (it's a problem) I recently moved into a really great ward and so many of the sisters in the ward tell me "Oh if you need anything at all let me know. Even if it's just an hour to watch your kids so you can relax." And I am so grateful to them for offering but even as I nod and say thank you, I know that I will never do it. It is so hard for me to ask for help. Especially when it comes to my kids.

I don't profess to know everything or even much about parenting but I do know my kids better than anyone (with Jake being a notable exception) I know how to speak Mikey-ese (poor kid is a terrible talker) I know what Adam's different cries mean. I know what they like to eat for lunch and exactly how Mikey wants his bread buttered, the appropriate cheese to peas ratio for his cheesy peas, or what fork he wants. I know what toy Adam wants to play with, what is his favorite game to play with me. And then when it comes to being Jake's wife, I think I do pretty well. I know how he likes to eat his eggs. I know the order he wants his food stacked on his plate (yeah, I think that's weird, I like my food separate) I know what his favorite movies are, what snacks he likes, how much ice he likes in his water, I know how he likes his keyboard set when he plays his video games. I  know  all these things about my family and I am proud of it. So when I decide that instead of making dinner that night, I want Jake to do it and I will read or watch the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy, I am attacked with almost debilitating guilt. When instead of bathing the kids myself and Jake does it, I feel like I am being a terrible mom, no matter how much I did for them during the day.

I went grocery shopping the other night by myself, which I think has happened maybe 8 times since Mikey was born, and I felt terrible the entire time that I left Jake with both of the kids. He is a great dad. They love playing with him. They love when he changes their diapers and puts them bed. So why do I feel bad?

I can't be sure but I imagine that who I am is Mikey, Adam and baby girl's mom. I am Jake's wife. Don't get me wrong, I am Meredith too but those things are no longer separate entities. Being a wife and mother are crucial parts of my identity. I am photographer. I am a sewer. I am a reader. I am a champion sleeper (which I think I miss the most and it would've probably been the thing I used to take the most pride in. I know, I am awesome) There are other parts of me but the ones I take the most pride in are being a wife and a mother (notice housekeeper is not on this list.. I really suck at that) And I don't think that is a bad thing. But I feel like I should need all these other things to be happy. But I just want to be a good mom. I just want my kids to think I am a super hero (I know that sounds conceited but still, doesn't everyone really?) I just want my husband to want to come home to me. But what is the appeal of a wife and mother that clocks off at 6pm when the husband walks in the door from working all day too? I am not saying that if that is how you operate that is wrong because I am not judging anyone. Do what works for you. I just want to live up to my end of the deal. I want to be as good a wife and mom as my husband is provider. Jake doesn't get to take a day off work just because he is crabby or tired or annoyed. If I expect him to push through, I need to too.  I have this idea in my head (that I think comes from these articles) that I have to have a girl's night every month and one night a week where I am free in order to not lose myself in being a wife and a mother and in order to be a fulfilling my potential I need all those things. I think I feel guilty because I want to be with my boys. I want to bathe them and put them to bed. I want to cook them dinner. But honestly, what is so bad about that? There are a lot worse things that I could lose myself in besides my boys (and soon to be girl) I am proud to be a mom and a wife and I am proud that those are the crucial parts of my identity.

I think that I do get to have it all. Maybe not by the standard definition, but I have never lived my life by anyone else's definitions before so why start now?